Healing. Healing my brokenness. Healing myself. Healing from the inside out.
When you go through domestic violence it changes you.
It changes how you think, who you are, what you do.
You become somebody you swore you’d never become.
You wonder if you’ll ever get your smile back.
You question your worth and what you have to offer this world.
You question if anyone could ever love you and cherish you.
What does healing even mean?
How long will healing take?
Am I forever going to be healing and broken?
How will I know if I am healed?
These are questions I have asked myself countless times.
If I am being honest, I still ask myself these questions at times.
While I know I have come a long way, I still feel I have a ways to go.
After all, healing takes time. It’s a process. It’s a journey and it’s a hard one.
It doesn’t happen overnight and I am giving myself grace and time with it.
It’s important for me to.
What has healing looked like for me?
It has looked messy, scary, ugly and beautiful -all at the same time.
I’ve let myself cry endless tears.
Tears of sadness for not doing better, not knowing better.
Tears of angry for allowing someone to treat me that way.
Tears of frustration for having to start over -literally rock bottom.
I’ve gone through countless therapy sessions.
I worked through why I allowed such treatment.
I worked through being let down.
I worked through my insecurities.
I worked through my demons.
I’ve allowed myself to start from the bottom at the age of 27.
I lived with my parents for a year -their unconditional love got me through the darkest of moments.
I worked as much as a I could while going back to school.
I slowly started seeing a future for myself where I didn’t have to be scared.
I started to take those small steps forward to get back out on my own again.
I’ve started to allow myself to just be me.
I started sharing my story.
I started becoming stronger.
I found my voice again.
I found happiness and joy in life.
I found me.
While I will never fully get back who I was before all the bad shit happened to me, I can say I really like this new me. I wouldn’t want that old me back. She was a special girl who was broken and lost her light. But this new girl, she’s ready to conquer the world. She has a new light within her ready to shine brighter than before.
I’m ready to embrace this next chapter I have worked so hard for. I have found confidence in who I am. I have found a new smile to share with the world. I have taken steps to better my future. I am ready to give my all to someone again. I am ready to be loved and cherished the right way. I know my worth. I know my heart. I know what I want for myself. I know my future is bright.
I am not saying I have all the answers. We all heal differently. Every situation is different. But my hope for you is that you never give up. Don’t stop fighting for happier, healthier days. At rock bottom? It happens. Hear me when I say this, you are NOT alone. You are strong and more than capable. Don’t be scared to leave and never look back. Your future is waiting for you and it’s going to be amazing. You’re going to have to work for it but trust me, it will be worth it.
I still have my moments of insecurity, doubts and fears. We all do. But the difference between then and now? I am not going to let those insecurities, doubts or fears stop me from living a beautiful life. I am going to continue to heal, work hard, love hard and be me because at the end of the day, I am a survivor not a victim. And this life will be everything I make of it.
