Growing is hard. Growing means facing your demons. Growing means admitting you haven’t had the best experiences. Growing means being honest about what life has dealt you. Growing means being honest in who you are and laying every broken, shattered piece out on the table to be able to put back together again. Those pieces may never fit back the same way but you put those pieces back together to create a new picture. You put yourself back together stronger than before. Growing means taking action.

Domestic violence is something I never thought I would experience. I always told myself I would never allow someone to mistreat me. I would never allow someone to take advantage of me. I would never be “that girl”. But guess what? I ended up being that girl. I ended up being everything I said I would never be and I was beyond disappointed in myself.

Healing from abuse was hard because I had to admit I was in a position that wasn’t the best. Growing from the abuse was even harder because I had to do something about it. I had to physically get up every single day and make things happen for myself.

I didn’t want to do that.
I didn’t want anyone to see how broken I truly was.
I didn’t want to be judged or looked at differently.

I wanted to hide from the world.

I never thought I would heal but when I did start to heal, I started to see that growth I so desperately wanted and needed. I started to see my full potential. I started believing in myself again. I started loving myself. I started making things happen.

Of course there were days I did not want to get out of bed. I cried and screamed at God. I felt stuck. I felt like at such a young age that I let myself down. I let my parents down. I let the ones who cared about me down. I felt like a burden to those around me. I gave up a part of me to something that was suppose to be my forever. Disappointment, angry, regret and sadness were feelings I felt almost every single day.

But what happens when you are growing? You make life happen anyways and that’s exactly what I did. Through all of my doubts and harsh realities, I decided to show up and put in the work and it was hard. I showed up even on the days that I really felt life would be better if I wasn’t here. And this isn’t to make you feel sorry for me, but this is to show you healing and growing are two things that take work. Genuine hard work. Hard work on yourself and the life you want to make for yourself after the trauma.

Healing was the easier of the two.
I was able to talk about my letdown.
I was able to share my experience.
I was able to let go of my fears.
I was able to say how I got to this place.

Growing was the harder of the two.
I had to physically take action.
I had to fight to get out of bed, every day.
I had to put my goals into action now.
I had to do something.

The best decision I ever made in this journey was to plant the seed.
Water it. Love it. Care for it. Put in the work. And watch it grow.

There is no growing without the healing.
One may be hard than the other.
But that’s what it’s all about, right?

The work and dedication to being a better you.
You work hard. You never give up.
You fight for the life you know you deserve.

Because sometimes in this life…

You go through it.

But…

You heal.
You grow.
You conquer.

Healing. Healing my brokenness. Healing myself. Healing from the inside out.

When you go through domestic violence it changes you.
It changes how you think, who you are, what you do.
You become somebody you swore you’d never become.
You wonder if you’ll ever get your smile back.
You question your worth and what you have to offer this world.
You question if anyone could ever love you and cherish you.

What does healing even mean?
How long will healing take?
Am I forever going to be healing and broken?
How will I know if I am healed?

These are questions I have asked myself countless times.
If I am being honest, I still ask myself these questions at times.
While I know I have come a long way, I still feel I have a ways to go.
After all, healing takes time. It’s a process. It’s a journey and it’s a hard one.
It doesn’t happen overnight and I am giving myself grace and time with it.
It’s important for me to.

What has healing looked like for me?
It has looked messy, scary, ugly and beautiful -all at the same time.

I’ve let myself cry endless tears.
Tears of sadness for not doing better, not knowing better.
Tears of angry for allowing someone to treat me that way.
Tears of frustration for having to start over -literally rock bottom.

I’ve gone through countless therapy sessions.
I worked through why I allowed such treatment.
I worked through being let down.
I worked through my insecurities.
I worked through my demons.

I’ve allowed myself to start from the bottom at the age of 27.
I lived with my parents for a year -their unconditional love got me through the darkest of moments.
I worked as much as a I could while going back to school.
I slowly started seeing a future for myself where I didn’t have to be scared.
I started to take those small steps forward to get back out on my own again.

I’ve started to allow myself to just be me.
I started sharing my story.
I started becoming stronger.
I found my voice again.
I found happiness and joy in life.
I found me.

While I will never fully get back who I was before all the bad shit happened to me, I can say I really like this new me. I wouldn’t want that old me back. She was a special girl who was broken and lost her light. But this new girl, she’s ready to conquer the world. She has a new light within her ready to shine brighter than before.

I’m ready to embrace this next chapter I have worked so hard for. I have found confidence in who I am. I have found a new smile to share with the world. I have taken steps to better my future. I am ready to give my all to someone again. I am ready to be loved and cherished the right way. I know my worth. I know my heart. I know what I want for myself. I know my future is bright.

I am not saying I have all the answers. We all heal differently. Every situation is different. But my hope for you is that you never give up. Don’t stop fighting for happier, healthier days. At rock bottom? It happens. Hear me when I say this, you are NOT alone. You are strong and more than capable. Don’t be scared to leave and never look back. Your future is waiting for you and it’s going to be amazing. You’re going to have to work for it but trust me, it will be worth it.

I still have my moments of insecurity, doubts and fears. We all do. But the difference between then and now? I am not going to let those insecurities, doubts or fears stop me from living a beautiful life. I am going to continue to heal, work hard, love hard and be me because at the end of the day, I am a survivor not a victim. And this life will be everything I make of it.