Happy Birthday To Me.
Today is the day. The day I have struggled with over the past few months. The day I’ve been looking towards with much anticipation and mixed emotions. I have been told countless times, “30 is just a number, it doesn’t define you”. And trust me, I get it. 30 is in fact just a number but it’s a number that represents the turning of a new chapter, a new decade in my life. It represents the disappointments, failures, rejections, the what-if’s, the endless tears, the nights alone and questioning if this is all worth it; as well as, the successes, the victories, the ah-ha moments, the growth, the grace, forgiveness and mercy of God. These past few decades have no doubt been pivotal in who I am today. For each moment, I am truly thankful.
Today holds much meaning for me, as I look back on all that I have overcome and pleased that I am still standing broken and strong, all at the same time. There are things that I had planned to accomplished by this age but haven’t and that holds such a dark cloud over my head.
By 30 I planned on…
Being married with 2 or 3 kids, living in a beautiful house surrounded by a white picket fence, feeling completely stable in all areas of my life.
By 30 I have…
My dog, small apartment, teaching career and not completely stable in any area of my life. And don’t get me wrong none of these things are bad -maybe besides the unstable part LOL.
Wow, two completely different realities. And this my friends, is where I struggle. This is where I find myself crying and disappointed because I didn’t meet my own expectations. I failed. I failed to do what I had planned for myself. These two different realities make me sad for those around me -my parents who maybe wish I was more stable with a husband and kids. My friends who maybe wish I wasn’t so lonely, that way I didn’t rely on them greatly for comfort and support. I struggle with myself because I feel bad. I feel had I not made certain decisions, I wouldn’t have two different realities. I would have one reality that everyone around me would be proud of.
My 30 seems to look different from everyone else’s 30. There is much pain and hurt in that reality. My 30 is in fact different from those around me. I am still figuring out who I am, what I want and what it truly means to live a life I love. And that’s where I have to stop myself. My 30 may be different and I may not be where the world says I should, but I am here. I am living and I am thriving in what I have set my mind and heart to. When I look at this truth, I know that God has me right where He wants me. I may not see His good, good plans for me but I don’t doubt the goodness He has set forth.
On the other side of all this, I do take a step back and look at myself with pride at who I am. I am proud that I have overcome some of the worst. I am proud that I decided to continue to take steps forward to be a better me, not just for those around me but for me. I may not be where I dreamed of being but I am living the dream. I am building my career, living on my own, writing a book, starting a podcast and accomplishing big and small things, daily. I have an amazing support system standing all around me, cheering me on -so loud and proud. For all those things, I am forever grateful. While I still hold onto the dream of being married with kids one day, I am fully embracing where I am today. I am fully embracing 30 and I know this decade will be nothing short of amazing. I have hope for today, tomorrow and all that my future holds for me.
