I was scrolling through Facebook and came across this quote. It really hit home and I couldn’t get my mind off of how much truth it held for me. The truth that I do need a lot of reassurance. The truth that yes, I have been through hell and come out on the other side but was left scarred and damaged. The truth that because of those outward scars, that I try desperately to coverup, somehow end up showing the sides of me that I hate. The vulnerable side. The insecure, unsure, frightened, anxious AF side. The side that makes people run because it’s a lot. I am a lot and I understand that. We all have flaws, insecurities and downfalls. That’s what makes us human, that’s what makes us real.
I understand my flaws, I recognize my flaws. I work on my flaws to better understand how they effect my life and those around me. I don’t expect people to come into my life and “fix” my flaws or just accept my flaws. I am working on myself daily to be the best possible version of myself. I don’t want my past to dictate my now. But the past does have a role in who I am today. Past experiences shape us -make us stronger and wiser. But they can, also, show the toxic sides of us. Am I proud of that? No. Do I expect someone to just accept that part of me? No. What do I expect then? I expect someone to work with me. Listen and understand where I have been, how far I have come and recognize that I am working on myself daily. Nobody is perfect. You will never find the “perfect” person, they do no exist and you cannot change my mind. Every person comes with a past, some baggage -pieces we are trying to put back together.
I have had a lot of people leave, and trust me not everyone was meant to stay (thank you, God). I have had moments of being a complete devil of a psycho, if that even makes sense LOL. But it’s true, I will give you a run for your money -I am that freakin’ damaged. In those moments, I have learned to be honest about mentally where I am at. My anxiety gets the absolute best of me; where I will get in my head and create lies instead of seeing my reality. It’s the ugly side of me that I am working like hell to overcome.
We’ve all been there, we’ve all had our moments -in different ways and capacities. This is one thing I have learned to be true though, if you are willing to admit you had a moment, you freaked out and you understand that is wasn’t okay and that is not who you want to be, that is the first step in healing. Admitting there is a problem, admitting I overreacted. Admitting a certain moment or situation triggered me -recognize it and how can I can do better next time. I am working on myself daily because I haven’t healed fully from the disappointments, pains and rejections I have faced. I am terrified of losing all the good people in my life because of my weak moments, because of my flaws.
But if there is one thing I am certain of it is this, the more I continue to work on myself and continue to be honest and open with the people that mean the most to me, the more they appreciate me -the more they understand me and that yes, she is recognizing who she is being isn’t who she wants to be and this is what she is actively doing to work on it. That isn’t to say I don’t annoy people with my lack of confidence or insecurities but it’s the meeting in the middle and having an understanding of the situation and working together to come to a resolution of the situation.
I am a lot but I am better understanding that I am worth it. And sitting with this quote above has made me realize that while I still may be damaged, I am not unrepairable. I have a chance every day to start fresh and begin again, and so do you. So I leave you today with this, wherever you are in your journey keep kicking ass. You’ll have moments, days or even weeks but you can come out on the other side a better person. Recognize where you’ve been, who you are now and what the future holds for you. Don’t give up, you are further than you were yesterday.