Depression and Anxiety -something that is rocking this world, daily. This is a tough topic for me because I struggle with it and I am still learning and growing every day. It isn’t easy and at times, doesn’t seem fair. I have really good days and then, I have really bad days -when I say bad, I mean I am not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It can get real tough, ugly and brutal. I, also, feel that I have a responsibility to be honest and vulnerable with you all, because if I am not then this whole journey is a lie. I cannot share some aspects of creating a healthy lifestyle and not talk openly about the struggles I face. The struggle that make me who I am. I, also, feel it is vital to share this part of my journey because if I can encourage someone to stay and see their light, then I have done my job. I have done what I set out to do -to encourage, motivate and inspire. To let you know, you are not alone. You are so worthy, you are so important and you are so supported.

I don’t remember when it started for me, but I do remember feeling different. I remember feeling helpless, scared and lost. I remember being terrified to tell anybody because who wants to love someone who can’t control their deepest thoughts and emotions -who wants to love someone who is broken. Nobody would understand me and that would make me feel even more alone. There were days where I wouldn’t get out of bed and if I had to, the moment I was done with whatever task needed to be done, I was right back in bed. I would just sleep. I would sleep to escape. I would sleep to forget, but soon sleep became my enemy. I would sleep and then, dream of all that I was trying to escape. I would wake up, so terribly anxious and I couldn’t slow my thoughts down. I couldn’t control the panic attack that was coming. I would cry and cry and cry some more because that’s all I knew how to do. I would think of unthinkable things because I just wanted it all to stop. I wanted to feel normal, happy and free. But I couldn’t escape the anxious thoughts, the depression that loomed over me every day I had to get up and pretend to function like a “normal” human being. It was fucking tough. It still is tough as hell.

I am not writing this post to say, “I am cured and here are 5 simple steps to help you”. No, I am here to share my truth. I am here to tell you that no I am not okay, but every day I fight to be okay. Every day I make the choice to keep trying. Every day I tell myself that I will and can make it through. It isn’t easy because I don’t feel fully understood, and I am sure some can relate to that. I am here to share how I make it through when my mind won’t stop, and my anxious body feels too weak to continue.

First, I started therapy. Therapy is a hell of a tool to use, and I highly recommend it. I get it can be intimidating and scary talking to a stranger about our deepest, darkest thoughts. But let tell me you this, how can we expect to figure out ourselves and what makes us run to this dark place, unless we talk about it. Why not talk about it with a professional who wants what is best for you, who wants to help you, who wants you to thrive. They don’t always ask the easiest questions and they sure as hell will make you re-live some painful shit, but we can’t grow through it if we keep it all tucked away. It will all eventually eat away at you until you fix it. Therapy became my safe place; it became my sanctuary. I encourage you to start here, start now. You may have to go through a few therapists to find the right one, but eventually you will and when you do, you will know exactly what I am talking about.

Second, I started reading self-help books. I love reading. I love being able to connect with an author and their story, their journey. I am not talking about those self-help books that say, “Here are 10 simple steps to be happy forever” or whatever they promise you. I am talking about the books where people are sharing their truth -their hard truth. It helps me feel not so alone and helps me see that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, I just have to keep fighting. I feel understood and accepted, by someone I have never even met but dammit I am accepted. Sometimes that is all we want, to be accepted, heard and understood. And while, the author might not be able to hear me, they wrote the book to speak to me and let me know “it will be okay”. They hear me without hearing me. If reading isn’t for you, well sorry for these 30 seconds you wasted on this paragraph. Maybe you should try reading again, if not…well continue.

Third, I started being honest about who I was with the people around me. I started to not be so scared to tell people, “yes I have anxiety and I won’t be joining you tonight because I am feeling very overwhelmed”. If they couldn’t respect that I knew those are not the people I want in my corner at the end of the day. If they accepted that, then I knew those were the people who care enough about my well-being to not shame me but lift me up. To not put me in a situation I was not comfortable with and support me in whatever I needed. Don’t be scared to be you and share you. That doesn’t mean put yourself on a billboard and scream from the rooftops that you are depressed and anxious. But be honest with how you are feeling. Honesty frees your soul, I promise.

Fourth, I fucking fight every single day even when I feel like I don’t have any fight left in me. I have found my purpose and passion; I fight for them daily. I scratch, crawl and climb, I fucking fight like hell. You have to find your purpose, passion and fight because without those things you are going to have a real hard time conquering this illness. I call it an illness and not in a demeaning way or distasteful way, but this is what I choose to call it and I have the right to do so. Whatever you have to do to fight, do it -call a friend, call your therapist, call a hotline, email me (simplyhealthyfit18@gmail.com) but don’t ever give up. I am so glad I have never given up because despite the bad days, I have had some damn good days that make the fight so worth it. You are bigger than this and until you start realizing it, you are going to struggle more days than not. But I promise it gets easier, and that’s something I can promise because I was there and sometimes still there.

Every day you have a choice, and I hope you choose to fight for your happiness. I hope you choose to get up and conquer your demons. I hope you wake up every day and choose YOU. You are not less because of this, you are not damaged goods, you are not crazy. You are simply you and that, my friend, is such a beautiful thing. You are so important. You are so wanted. You are so supported. We are in this together and we will conquer it together.