The holidays can be a hard time if you have lost a loved one. It is a strong reminder that they are no longer with you. No new memories can be made, you only have what you were left with. You want to stick with tradition, but the pain of missing that loved one is too strong. The sight of old decorations brings tears to your eyes and you feel the hole in your heart growing bigger -because as hard as you try to move on, nothing can fill that hole. Nothing can make this time of year any better. The one thing you want is the one thing looking down on you from heaven. You start to think back on all the times you shared and wish for one more moment, one more laugh, one more hug, one more Christmas with the one who made Christmas what it is for you. It is a tough fucking time of the year, and not many truly understand the pain you sit with daily.
I lost my grandmother 5 years ago to cancer. It was sudden and I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t prepared but I guess you never can be when God calls a loved one home. Christmas time was her favorite time -not just because it was her birthday but because she enjoyed decorating every inch of her house and spreading love and cheer every where she went. Her soul was so pure, sweet and loving. I looked forward to going over to her house, seeing all her decorations and staring at them in amazement like it was the first time, every time. The stories she would share, the cooking, her laugh, her smile, her love for life and the holidays. There is not one memory I have growing up that doesn’t include her. She was and still is, the most incredible human being I had the joy of knowing. I miss her so damn much, it physically hurts at times.
The holidays are the worst time for me. I cry randomly, I get so angry all the time -I hate celebrating Christmas but I do it because I know it’s what she would want. She would want me to decorate every inch of my apartment, to create new memories while still honoring the old ones. She would want me to pass down traditions to my nephews and nieces. She would want me to continue on and I know that, but that doesn’t make it any easier. Every moment is a strong reminder that she is no longer here. And my heart breaks even more. The lights on houses don’t shine so bright for me and the Christmas tree isn’t as beautiful as it once was.
If you know someone who has lost a loved one this holiday season -be gentle, be kind, be understanding. Understand that the pain of losing a loved one never truly goes away. Be gentle and patient in knowing that as much as we try to put a smile on our face, the tears will come and when they do they will be ugly, real and raw. Be kind for we are fighting a battle that is much too tough for us during this time of the year. Remember that we are trying. We are trying to create new memories while honoring the old ones, but the pain can be too much sometimes. We aren’t trying to make you feel sorry for us. We aren’t looking for a pity party. We aren’t asking you tip-toe around us. We ask that you understand this is a difficult time for us and as much as we are trying, sometimes we can’t fight on our own. We give up, we scream, we cry and we drift away to a dark place. And we do come back, eventually. But we hope you will be there waiting. Not judging or scolding us to “just move on” but giving a gentle hug and reminder that even without the one we love, we still have a solid foundation of love and support here on earth.
I know my Grandma is watching over me, always. She reminds me in ways, that makes me look up at the sky and just smile -whether that’s randomly finding a penny or a red cardinal flying by and landing in a tree (google, if you don’t know the meaning behind these things). She is always with me. She is where she has always dreamt of being, with our heavenly Father. While the pain is as strong as it was the day she left to be with our Savior, I push ahead. I push forward because it is what she wants. But please understand, while I push ahead it doesn’t mean it is easy. Just because I am smiling and participating in “traditional holiday” activities, that doesn’t mean I’m not dying inside. So, be gentle with us. We are trying. We are pushing ahead. We are doing the best we can. We are doing the best to get through these holiday blues.
