Those dreaded words…it’s swimsuit season.
I don’t ever feel like I am fully ready for summer, for swimsuits, for poolside days. Let me repeat myself, I AM NOT READY. Okay, I feel better.
I know what you might be thinking, “she has nothing to worry about” or insert * eye roll *. We all get self-conscious. We all doubt ourselves. We see the all the negative before we even see one positive. It’s human nature. And we all have the right to feel however we want to feel but we don’t have to stay there.
About two weeks ago I experienced my first pool day, and let me tell you I was not ready. It went a little something like this; went to the bathroom to put on my swimsuit, I put on my swimsuit, immediately look in the mirror, instantly see my flaws. I pointed out the stretch marks to myself, the cellulite in my thighs and the tiny little stomach pooch that I cannot seem to get rid of. Yup, that’s all I saw standing there in that mirror. I thought of ways I could get out of this day and just go home until next summer arrives and I will definitely be ready then, right?! Ha.
But anyways, I went outside, towel wrapped around me, just lightly sticking my feet in the pool. Eventually I counted up to five, threw the towel down and jumped in before anybody could see me in full bikini mode. When I got out, I did the same thing -located my towel outside the pool, counted to five and made a dash for it. The next day I sat down and thought to myself, ‘why do you feel this way’? Nobody had told me anything to make me feel even remotely disgusted with myself, but here I was putting myself down and so upset about how I felt in that bikini.
I have always had a warped vision of my body. I see fat, cellulite, stretch marks, blemishes, thick thighs. But isn’t that what makes me human? Isn’t that what makes me beautiful? Isn’t that what makes me real?
I admit growing up a dancer and finding myself in the professional field for years made me believe I wasn’t enough. I was constantly told I was too fat, not pretty enough, didn’t have the right look. (Side Note: I am not knocking my time and experiences as a pro-dancer. I have memories that will last a lifetime and accomplishing that goal meant everything to me, and I knew what I was getting into and that’s the name of the game. But that doesn’t mean it didn’t effect me). Going through a relationship where I was told if I didn’t stay an exact weight I would be deemed disgusting and would be left. I found my value in someone’s opinion of me, someone whom I loved and was suppose to be lifting me up, loving my flaws and all but didn’t. Coming to these specific realizations made me realize I have to change my mindset and those dreaded words it’s swimsuit season shouldn’t be so dreadful. I wouldn’t allow those words to control me anymore.
So what did I do?
I looked at the things in my life that lead me to believe I had to look a certain way. I did a mass social media unfollowing. What you look at has a HUGE impact on how you view yourself, and most of the time it’s not as glamourous as people make it out to seem. You see what they want you to see, remember that. Anyways, looking at the fake boobed, six pack, Botox women was not helping (and no offense, do you but like hey, I am a teacher on a budget who has to do things the natural way to reach my goals). I make a conscious effort to monitor what I am looking at and who I am really looking up to.
I did something about it. I got up and made an effort to choose healthier meals and set a goal of 30 active minutes a day. If I am being honest, I haven’t been THAT focused on myself during quarantine. Bottle of wine? Sure, why not. Mac & Cheese? I’ll take the whole box in one sitting. Pizza? Extra cheese please. How can I expect to love myself if I am not actively taking care of myself? Making simple steps to better myself has made me feel 100x more confident in who I am. Have I lost any weight? Nope. Do I still look the same? Yup. But I feel differently because I know I am taking care of myself with what I am putting into my body and how I am taking care of it -it makes a world of difference when you put in an effort to yourself. I promise. Take care of yourself and you’ll eventually learn to love yourself, flaws and all.
Lastly, I sit back and remember how far I’ve come from the days of being told I wasn’t enough -whether that be from an ex-boyfriend or a team I auditioned for a million times. I look at where I was and who I was, then fast forward to today. I have grown into a more strong, independent woman. I lost 50 pounds and got my health back. I love myself more than I did yesterday and love myself more tomorrow than I do today. I remember nothing I have now happened overnight. It took therapy and hard, hard work but I made it happen for myself and that is inspiring enough for me to keep going and to stop putting myself down. I don’t want to fall back into old habits, that’s not fair to the person I am today. I am enough and a swimsuit doesn’t define that worth. Who cares about the stretch marks? They tell a remarkable story. Who cares about cellulite? We all have it. Who cares that my thighs touch? They are strong.
So, instead of sitting in dread NOT READY for summer to be here and worrying about my flaws, I am going to embrace every single part of me. I am going to embrace the perfectly imperfect parts of myself because I know I am taking care of myself -mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually. It’s okay to have flaws, we all have them. It’s okay not to be comfortable in certain types of clothing but I am not going to allow it to control me. It’s okay to have insecure moments but don’t stay there. Don’t let your false visual representation of yourself hold you back. Keep pushing forward and being authentic to yourself.
Does this mean I am 100% confident in who I am and throwing on that swimsuit? LOL, no. I still have my moments and days but when I do, I refer to those 3 simple steps listed above. Your steps don’t have to be the same, create your own. Take time to sit down and figure out why you are feeling the way you are feeling. Once you understand where these false outlooks are coming from you will better be able to fix what isn’t even real. You’ll be able to start taking care of yourself through positive affirmations you tell yourself, nutrition, fitness and self-care time. It takes work to love yourself but it’s important you find that self-love if you plan on living a fulfilling life.
You are you and that is enough. Flaws and all.
