“Maybe you’re not healing because you’re trying to be who you were before the trauma. That person does not exist anymore. There is a new you trying to be born. Breathe life into that person.”

I came across this quote the other day and it immediately spoke to me. I related in such a way that I broke down.
Broke down because I knew this was too true.
I knew I was fighting for a me that no longer existed.
I was searching for a me that left long ago.

A new me was breaking through and I wasn’t sure if I was ready for her yet.
I wasn’t sure that’s who I was supposed to be becoming.

I’ve shared my story of past abuse, trauma, heartbreak and failure.
I’ve shared of being abused in a relationship that was suppose to last forever.
I’ve shared of having to start over with bags of clothes in hand at 2:00 am to go live my parents.
I’ve shared of losing who I was for what was suppose to be my forever.
I’ve shared of my many failures -starting new careers, losing friendships, etc.

Those moments were beyond difficult. Those moments were hard, raw and real.
Those moments don’t define me but they have shaped me into who I am today.
I can confidently say that girl doesn’t exist anymore. That girl is long gone.

This realization doesn’t make me sad anymore because I came out stronger on the other side. It took years of tears, hard work and fighting like hell, but it was worth it. It was worth the work because here I am, still standing today.

I have said goodbye to the old me and embraced the “new” me. The me that says you are worth it. You are beautiful. You are successful. You are capable.

For so long I was fighting for the person I was before all the bad shit happened to me but that person is long ago, and I am okay with that. I am breathing life into the new me. The new me that wakes up and kicks ass every day. The new me that is going after her goals and dreams without hesitation. The new me who no longer lives in fear of anyone or anything. The new me that isn’t scared to live out loud. The new me that loves me for me.

I like the new me. She is pretty cool. She knows what she wants and what she deserves. She won’t settle for anything less.
She has a voice and she isn’t afraid to use it. She isn’t afraid to leave behind the people who don’t see her worth. She isn’t afraid to live this life on her own because she has found a new strength inside of her. She embraces who she is and who she is becoming.

Was it easy? No.

Most days I fought battles nobody knew of or cared to know of.
I’ve cried and peeled my own damn self off the floor because the only person I could rely to keep me going was me.

Friends I thought would be there for me, left. They didn’t care to stick around for the hard times.
I still have people that only reach out for the fake “hi” because they want something for their own personal agenda or “business”.
I don’t expect people to care. They never have anyways.
It was easy for them to leave me in the first place.
I wasn’t like everyone else in the group -getting married, buying a house, having babies.
I was the friend who was single and it was easier to ditch me than those who fit more into their “married” lifestyle.

But the new me knows who was there all along, and who left when I became too inconvenient for their lives.

I no longer look for the old me because she is gone and I have accepted that.
I look at who I am today.
I look at who stands in the mirror before me and I smile at her with pride.

She’s beautiful.
Her bruises have healed.
She has scars but they tell an incredible story.

I breathe life into her because she deserves it.
I’ve let a new life be born.

She deserves all the good things and she finally believes that now.
She finally knows who she is and is healing in new ways.
She looks beyond her trauma.
She looks at an imperfectly perfect woman and embraces every single piece of her.

She is me and I love her.