October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

For so long I lived in a place of fear, brokenness and hopelessness. I lost who I was -I lost my voice, my dreams, ambitions, confidence, self-worth and faith. I lost everything. I lived in a dark place with a dark person, who was out to destroy whoever he could, for as long as he could. I blamed myself. I was the problem. I was crazy, overwhelming, a burden, not enough but too much at the same time. It was always my fault and I believed it. I believed every lie and I carried it around with me every where I went. I was made to believe that I was broken and damaged, that nobody would ever want me. So I stayed. I stayed in a place that was terrifying, but felt safe at the same time. Terrifying of what each day would bring. Safe because I, truly, believed one day it would go back to the way it was before all the bad shit happened to me. Life has a funny way of working out - you go through the bad, the dark, the hole you cannot crawl out of and then the success, happiness and that slimmer of hope that emerges after the hurricane, that you never thought would. You start to see the light at the end of the tunnel, so you wake up one day and decide to run after it and never look back because that light has to have more to offer than the nightmare you are living out, right?

I never saw myself in an abusive relationship. I always told myself that would never be me. That if someone was ever, in any way, abusive I was out of there. Nobody was ever going to treat me less than. I knew my worth, I had the confidence and I had the drive to go conquer any goals I set my mind on. I was wrong. I fell in love and I let every single part of me go. I believed every lie. It didn’t start with the physical, no. I wasn't getting punched in the face. It started out with verbal abuse. Verbal attacks, verbal beatdowns, verbal strikes. I slowly went into a downward spiral. I wanted to fix all my wrong, I wanted to be perfect for this person, I wanted them to see I could be different. I cut people out, I hid away, I transformed into a robot. I started transforming into everything I said I never would. Of course, I didn’t realize it at the time. I thought I was growing and learning to be a better person and partner. But really, I was trying to please someone who could never be pleased, and probably never will be.

Slowly, verbal turned into physical. Thrown into a wall, body parts slammed between doorways, being pushed down. By the time this started occurring, my mental state was already re-wired. I believed I deserved these things. From the verbal attacks to physical attacks, it all became who I was. I deserved it because if only I had said the right thing, I wouldn’t need to be taught a “lesson”. There came a point where I stopped being scared because this was my reality. I believe eventually I would get it right and it would all stop. I would work hard every single day to be a better person for this person because this wouldn’t be happening if I wasn’t such an “overly emotional, crazy” person. Keep my irrational feelings in check and be less.

I don’t know where, when or how it happened. But one day, I decided enough was enough. I saw the light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel and I decided to run after it and never look back. I decided to get help. I decided to help myself. I decided I needed to take my life back. I decided I was going to be a survivor, not a victim.

There were days I cried myself to sleep, I was still so lost. I let the trauma I experienced take over. The lonely nights were all too much for me, at times. The thought of seeing him around town had me hiding in fear. Every single guy resembled him. The thought of dating made me physically sick. The slightest touch from anybody made me cringe. The panic attacks. The depression. The tears. The anger. The fear. The pain -it was all too real for the longest time. How was I ever going to be me again? Who would ever want me? Someone so damaged and broken. It took God and therapy to get me where I am today -and I am still working on me. I am still working on the anxiety, depression, anger and resentment. I am still finding ways to allow people in, because I want to protect myself from any bad thing someone could do to me. I am still learning to let go and just live.

For me, I will never be able to quite put into words how someone else manipulated me into thinking I deserved that kind of treatment. For the longest time I blamed myself. If I was dumb enough to stick around then I deserved to be treated the way I did. It took me months to get my smile back. To not fake happiness. I am thankful for those who know my story and didn’t run but stayed, listened, learned and gave me more love than I deserved. I am simply thankful. I am still figuring out life. I have good days and I have really shitty days. I have days where I see my growth and I have days where I back track. But each day, I remind myself that I am worthy, I am healing and to always show myself grace and love, even when I feel I do not deserve it.

This month is a strong reminder of where I was, what I have overcome and how blessed I am to be able to share my story, because that is not always the case for some. This is not a story to make you feel sorry for me. This is story to help encourage and inspire others who might be going through the same thing or maybe already did, to keep going. Keep going, don’t give up on yourself and know that better days are ahead. It doesn’t happen over night but you have to give yourself time to heal. To understand that what you went through doesn’t define you. You are worthy of a beautiful life and love so strong. I am still working out my inner demons but I have come so far, and I am damn proud of that. This is my life and I am taking it back because…

I am a survivor, not a victim.